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2010-03-31 - 6:55 p.m.

I haven't been on here in forever. I'm so sorry for missing out on everyone's lives - including my own. I am a mess. Muffin Melany died last thursday. Her funeral was yesterday - she was beautiful. But dead. And yes, the flowers were nice. Isn't that what you're supposed to say? I can't get out of this funk. It's hard to get out of bed everyday and to go to work sometimes. I'm sinking again. I get okay some days and then, it ends. I don't understand it. Why it sucks me in so much and why I am okay some days and then, so fucking depressed the other five days of the week. In addition to Melly dying, little Bella came back. I met her when she was 23 months old. She turned two in the hospital. In room 556. The same room she's in now. She came back the week of March 8th. Her AML is back. She's already had it twice. And got a bone marrow transplant the second time. She's four now. She was in remission for a good year or so... and now, it's back. Fucking AML. And people are like, "maybe you should get another job?!", but I know I'm supposed to be there for a reason - I just have to figure out how not to let my heart get involved. One of my co-workers, who's been there for 5 or 6 years, says she always sees this happen when people have been there for 2 or 3 years - all of their "lovelies" relapse and/or die. And then, hearts are hurt and people either leave or stick it out. I think I'm supposed to stick it out. I just have to learn how to do it better. Marty is helping - she's my new therapist. I started seeing her in January - she is a Godsend. I have been looking for a decent therapist since my other Godsend of a therapist I had in college. She might even be better?? She had a plan for me from day one. She's wonderful. And she's amazing and so helpful. And we're gonna work on my dad's death; I think that will help tremendously. Because everytime things go to shit at the muffin house, the unfinished business of mourning my dad's death is what truly puts me in this depressing state. Sure, I'm sad for the muffins, but I'm still so sad about my dad. I mean, FUCK. MY DAD IS DEAD. My dad. Dead.
I imagine he's telling Melany, "Yeah, I'm her dad! Isn't she the neatest nurse ever!?! We can watch her up here together!"

That's all. I hope next time I am living a better life. Or at least LIVING life.

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