Right now...
2007-03-14 - 12:23 a.m.
I don't think I can handle all that is going on. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I can't imagine getting through this without collapsing and dying myself. I've got to graduate and study for the nursing boards and my dad is dying and I've got work to get done and my house needs cleaning and I do my laundry at the weirdest hours now. because, really, all that matters right now is the fact that my dad is dying. they tried to give him chemo today. well, they did give it to him. but, i don't think he'll be getting anymore. he might be discharged from the hospital on Thursday. he will get to go home. Hospice will come in and build the bed where he will die in the house where i grew up. in the basement where we used to play games and horsie and where, every year, he and i would sit and tape our voices and our goings on in life on his reel-to-reel. maybe, while he is home, we can get some of those out and listen to them together. i know i will just cry, but i am finally okay with crying in front of my family, i think. however, i just realized i have yet to do it. it is scary to let them know i care so much about them. i need to write my dad a note - i have stuff i've always wanted to tell him. i know i won't be able to tell him so, he will have to read it. then, maybe, we can talk about it. or just go on and talk about other things. but, i will know that he knows all the stuff that i've wanted to tell him. he's a good dad. i will miss him so much. i don't want him to leave.
