Wednesday Night Before All The Shit Hits the Fan
2004-12-01 - 9:48 p.m.
Today was good. I didn't even try to do things that I know are bad for me. The past few days, I've snuck away and created more marks. Not today. Perhaps I was just too busy to think about it, but I think not. Busy-ness doesn't stop me. Being in control does. If I'm in control of everyfuckingthing, it's all okay. Today I felt in control. So, no slicing.
Also today, a sweet, sweet patient of mine who is only like 6 or 7 years older than me and who has a kid and a family and who had leukemia (I think - or something similar) as a kid and who totally did this whole, "raise a whole lot of money and shit for bone marrow transplant people" event thing, completely has shit platelets and it just keeps getting worse. And she's been coming in for a few weeks now. Every M,W,F and all we do is swipe her blood and pray for higher platelets. Today they went down 4 points from Monday. And it almost made me cry. And when I gave her her results, she cried. And that just totally broke my heart. And she talked to the doctor and I don't know what they're going to do to make it better, but I know it's bad right now because she is so effing strong and just positive about everything and now, this thing is slapping her in the face. I will get to see her on Friday and I can't wait - I just want to talk to her about it and try to be really nice. She reads the Bible when she's waiting for us to call her name - that's pretty tight if you ask me.
Friday morning, I've got an interview at a local hospital. The one I talked about a couple of weeks ago. They called me back. And, shit, if I can work there (Which would be totally scary because, what the eff?? An ER? Like on teevee?!!! And, holy surprise EVERY day at work!!! Just the fact that I'll never know what to expect might scare me out of the job. However, how much fun can that be and how much can I learn from it all and, hell, NO ONE in the ER knows what's coming through the door next, so how can anyone be calm about it - so, I guess I'd just have to learn to be okay with doing what I can do when I can and know how to do it), I'm sure to get a kick-ass schedule that will totally cohere to my school schedule and I'll be much better mentally for school. I totally love school. Tomorrow, I have my final anatomy lab exam and I know it all. Yippee! I can't wait until next weekend. This weekend will be filled with pscyhology and psychology projects and anatomy studying and crap. But, NEXT WEEKEND. I'm already getting the movies and blankets lined up. And I may coerce my new friend to hang out with me so that I don't have to be a sloth all by myself. Maybe we can bake cookies.
