Laugh if you want to but, I've done everything right and am still struggling...
2002-08-15 - 1:57 p.m.
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!
Why?
That is my biggest question lately. I'm not asking for sympathy... just answers. Why did I suddenly gain 60 pounds in a year? Why can't I lose that weight? Why didn't they like the 70 hour/week, kick ass job I did at WCET? Why did they tell me to find another job? Why didn't I stick around and make them fire me so I could collect unemployment? Why have I been working where I work for a year now and only wanted to work there until I found my next "real job"? Why don't I EVER have enough money? I've declared bankruptcy and still can't eat. Why aren't I more decent than this? I have an education from one of the top schools in the mideast. I have a fucking college education and I can't make more than 11/hour. Why are all of my friends making at least 35 grand, owning homes and always want to go out for happy hour and spend 40 bucks like it's no big deal? And then, the next day, they drop another 500 cash at Home Depot to fucking pay for their deck? I'm lucky to have 40 bucks left over after I pay all of my bills and buy food with each paycheck. I thought it would be so much better with bankruptcy. It's not.
What do I have to do to just get my head above water? I just don't understand. I've always thought I'm on the verge of being homeless. I used to drive by the Drop Inn Shelter on the way to work and think. Poof! All it would take would be one paycheck and I'd be in there. Am I ever going to make it? WHAT IN THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! No wonder I used to have that recurring dream where I was pushing Vomit in his stroller and the sidewalk kept caving in on me. I'd always make it up to make the next step only to have the concrete drop into this huge black hole. Vomit was always okay. Not me.
I'm tired of all of it.
