The Divine Comedy (kudos to Milla)
2002-07-18 - 11:45 a.m.
I'm having those dreams again. You know, the ones at Miami, involving me missing an appointment or not being able to make an appointment or finally making an appointment and then, getting sidetracked by various sorts of rubbish on my way there and never ever ever ever making it. They suck. And they always seem to come at times in my life when I am most... let's say, for lack of a better term, depressed. Oh, it's not as if I am depressed. I don't think. But, I just can't think of a word for what I really am.
Why do I keep finding used condoms on Scary Street? It frightens me. Which leads me to question why it is I am frightened of sexual activities occuring near or on my car in the wee hours of the night. Should sex scare me? Who knows. All I know, is they'd better not be playing tricks with Jupiter's young mind. He is just now a year old. I'm terrified of what he's seen on Scary Street.
Oh yeah. I think Booie and I need to go on a date soon. I had another dream last night where I received a note from Booie and before I opened it, I knew that it was going to say that we should just be friends and stop this whole romantic crap. And, then I freaked out. The fact that I knew it was coming scares me. The fact that I freaked out is good I think. It shows that I really don't want to be "friends" no matter how much it can seem like we are. I mean, not that I don't see Booie as a friend. But Booie is more than a friend and should be. Booie is my best friend. Okay. Enough with this friend shit.
Last night, before sleep, I was thinking about my parents and how my mom, brother and I left my dad that one day in sixth grade. Just poof! Up and left. He went to work. We went to live other lives. He found us eventually. I think, in the end, she wanted him to. But, I can't imagine what that must be like to come home from work, walk into your home, find it nearly destroyed and empty, walk to your son's babysitter's house, ask her what the heck is going on, have her tell you nothing, go home and call your mother-in-law, have her tell you, "Tim, I can't tell you anything. Sue will get in touch with you when and if she wants to.", etc. How fucked up must that have been? Did my dad go to work the next day? What did he do? And to think, I was excited about it all. And was happy. And pissed that it happened in late September because the pool at the apartment complex we moved into was closed. And, I was mad when they got back together and we moved back in January. I never got to see that pool filled. It angered me. How fucked up am I to have been happy to abandon my father?
