Shorts/Goals part deux
2002-04-10 - 2:38 p.m.
I'm afraid to put on my shorts. It's been at least six months since I've worn shorts and in that time, I've decided I am awful looking. I am huge. But, since I first decided that, I lost twenty pounds. So, now I am awful looking - 20 pounds which equals not that great looking. So, I think I'm going to go put lotion on my legs... Okay, done with that. Now, comes the hard part. Putting on the shorts. I've never had this problem before... I love shorts. I love summer. I used to love my legs. Now, sometimes, I love the calves (I've always had awesome calves). Today I think I love my calves. So, if I can just get beyond the big thighs, the ugly feet and the fear that, once I get up the courage to slip into these shorts, they'll actually slip past my ass and sit comfortably on my body. Shit. I hate this part. This is usually why I just buy new shorts every year. Because then, if they don't fit, it's no big deal... just go get another size off the rack. They were never yours anyway, so there is no way that you'll ever know that you could have once fit into them. Okay. Here goes. Wish me luck.
I have on shorts now. They're not as loose as they once were but, that was forty pounds ago before my body decided to say let's toy with her emotions, her body hair and her periods and let's just add on a whopping sixty pounds while were at it. So, I'm wearing shorts. I still haven't had a period since November 20th... but, whatever. Perhaps if I lose enough weight, I'll get it back. Kind of like the opposite of what all the anorexics want/expect when they start dropping 40 pounds. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what's going on and that my life is completely out of control... but, then I think of my poor body and how out of control it must feel. Poor body. I think all it needs is a nice, even schedule, some good food, some fun, some sun, some exercise and some stretching. I think I give it all of those except for the schedule... and,the sun. But, it's Ohio so, you can't count on the sun thing.
Also, I just remembered... I must update my goals. I'll go check on them and update...
1) "Start paying the rents back in April." Uh... yeah. I'll be lucky if I can eat and put gas in my car until May 10th, so they'll just have to wait until May.
2) "Save money." See above.
3) "Get that damn tattoo." Thinking about it. This will be a summer thing.
4) "Work on arms in March. Continue with 45 minutes of cardio each day. Start stretching more in April." DID IT!/DOING IT!
5) "Research going back to school next fall. Personal training for old people? Something medical? Figure it out." Thinking about it. Haven't done the research yet. Perhaps tonight.
6) "Volunteer at the senior citizen center nearby... have fun and learn some things." Not yet. :(
7) "Hang out with Vomit when he's home for the summer. Damn him for only being 20." It's not summer yet. And, Vomit's still 19.
8) "Go on two or three "vacations" this summer. 1 = Hueston Woods. 2 = possibly the Brickyard with Booie? Must research this." We're planning on doing stuff like this. No research yet.
9) "Update my status of reaching these goals monthly." Uh... doing that right now. I know it's been a month and nine days. Fuck off.
10) "Continue looking for a new job." Every day. In my sleep. In the shower. I'm always trying to think of a way out. Sorta like I'm in prison or something.
Okay. Shorts drama over. Now, I must take out the trash. I want to play outside but, there's no place to really play unless I go to Ault Park. And, everyone will be there. With their dogs and their perfect bodies and they'll be running and I'll just feel guilty because I used to have a perfect body and run. And, now I can't run. Because I destroyed my legs. So, I'll go there and get depressed and then I'll just want to shop and I have no money so, then I'll want to drink but, I have no money to drink unless I sell some CDs or take that bag full of change to Kroger and put it through the change machine and that's just too much work for a drink so, then, I'll just come home and sit here and be all depressed. So, maybe I'll just go take out the trash.
