Adagio for Strings
2002-03-26 - 9:48 a.m.
Adagio for Strings always puts me in a mood... and, I love blasting it in my car and just driving around with it on. Watching all the chaos unfold on top of that song... they never really match. But, they do match in an eerie sort of way. Like yesterday: I saw an ambulance going to or coming from a place where hearts are stopping or shaking because someone is in trouble and this could be their last day on earth; a woman and her daughter going into the pasta shop so they could go home and eat a nice meal... what were they going home to? a dog? a husband/father?; a woman at the bus stop juggling her coffee and packages... was she cold? was she just wishing she were home?; Cinergy workers huddling around a transformer aching to go home (that I could see)... the list goes on and on. And it's always so much fun to mix the two: real life and Adagio for Strings. It's amazing.
I've been having those dreams again. Never getting to where I want to go. A few nights ago, I was still in college and all of these people around me were talking about what grad schools they were going to and/or what great things were in store for them once they graduated. And, I just sat there. Knowing that my future was going to be nothing. Eventually, I was sobbing uncontrollably trying to get to a phone to make an appointment to see her... it never happened... just as it always does. And, last night, I was at college and there were about twenty people sharing a huge dorm room. And, it was loud. And, people were all over my stuff. Once, I left and came back and my clothes had been shoved down the sink. And, Britt was there and I had stolen a check from her and Amy what's her name was scolding me and I was telling them how I worked in retail now so, I knew all about checks and there's no way I would have stolen Britt's because it had been altered. FUCKED UP.
I just want a real life. I just don't know what that consists of... going back to school or remaining in the real world always wanting more and always secretly wanting to return to school. Either way, I have a feeling I'll never seem to have enough money. I hate money.
