Erasing My Past
2002-02-06 - 7:14 p.m.
So, I cleaned up the old place. It's so hard to erase every bit of your past from someplace... or someone. It can just never happen. It's impossible. There will always be traces of you wherever you go or wherever you've been. Kind of like that poem Erica Berneheim wrote in ENG 330 or 430 about leaving parts of ourselves in hotel rooms, etc. Disgusting but true.
So now, I'm trying to get this new place in order. Almost as impossible as erasing me from the old place... but, it can be done. Tonight, I'm working on laundry and organizing the bedrooms. Hopefully, I can get to the kitchen... it's a mess as well. I just wish it were a month from now.. everything would be in it's spot. Only to settle in and discard bits of itself in its spot... so that, when we leave, it will be impossible to erase the fact that it was there. Fucking insane cycle of crap.
And, I keep wondering when we're going to get hit by the terrorists again. I keep reading about how our government has thwarted a few attacks before and after 9.11... so, fuck. We're just screwed. I honestly don't think we can get through 2002 without getting hit again. And, I try try try to think the way I had to after the rape. Sure, I was raped by an aquaintance... but, it didn't make it any easier. I still didn't trust any guy I came in contact with... now, with the terrorist thing, it's just more widespread. You really don't know who the fuck it is... could've been that damn neighbor back at Booie's old place who ran their AC all the time. What do they need to run their AC for in fucking 20 degree weather? To keep bodies cold? Are they secretly eliminating us one by one instead of all at once like 9.11? So, I guess right now, it's hard to trust anyone really. Except for the people I know.. but, even then, they could be a part of the huge ass terrorist thing. Who knows? I mean, the terrorists who are living in our country like a bunch of Americans have to have friends... they have to go out and have fun and laugh and see movies.. or else we would think they were terrorists.
So, I guess I'm just a little paranoid lately.
Suppose we all gotta die someday.
