So many thoughts
2002-01-08 - 9:58 p.m.
Just got done with working out and I'm thinking, "Maybe today is the day... the day I take control of my life again. Do endless situps and fuck up my eating so I can be who I want to be instead of this fuck up of a fatty." But, then I ask myself what will it really do? I'm tired of trying to take control of my life and ending up in the Ridge Ave. Taco Bell drive thru of life - tired, hungry and waiting. Then, I think, "Oh... if I get this job, everything will be wonderful." But, shit... this isn't what I want to do. I mean, sure I can do it, and the pay is good. But, what happened to my energy to become an astronaut... then, it was a lawyer... then, a professor... and, now I'm a fucking cashier?@?!?! I tried to take control of that part of my life by going to college and studying my ass off and doing things that I thought mattered and now I'm just scanning people's wants and needs right past my nose and waiting for the beep so I know I've done my job right. Holy fuck. Look where that got me. So, no.. maybe today is not the day I take control of my life again b/c it seems to be controlling me and I'm not sure how to stop/reverse that without becoming a little neurotic, obsessive, tired, angry and bitter. Definitely bitter... b/c, in the end, I'll more than likely be in the same spot I'm in now. So, I'm going to go do my dishes, remove my fingernail polish, eat some potatoes and wait for Booie to come home. And fuck it all.
