Virgin
2001-12-09 - 9:51 p.m.
So, it's my first entry. We'll see how long I keep up with this. It's my first attempt at getting back to writing. It hurts so damn much to actually write so, I'm hoping that being able to type will help.
I've been having the psycho dreams again. The other night it was all about being in a huge wave pool and having her tell me that I HAD to succumb to the waves and have them force me into the darkest holes of the earth. Last night, it was me trying to get ahold of her again and finally hugging her. Shit, what does all of it mean? I wish I could find the person I was in college again. I was so fluid and calm and sane and void. Void. When trying to think of the ultimate feeling I had at that time, I can only think of void. Scary, huh? Perhaps the rape had a lot to do with it. And, even before then... pretty much the last two years were so fucking surreal and normal and they felt so good even though I was at my lowest. Woud love to return to the christmas light calm that I felt during that time. Now, it's just work, bills, working out and Booie. Not that I don't love Booie. I do. Hmmmm... off to try to find more alcohol to curb my tendency to feel real.
