Hmmmm... imagine this one.
2002-09-05 - 2:30 p.m.
How do people do it? I just finished with an extensive google search of all kinds of people I went to college with and studied under. They're all so fucking accomplished. I am so stuck. And I can't figure out why. Is it because of the rape - did it traumatize me that much? Is it being forced to graduate? Is is a combination of things? Graduation, rape, jobs, Booie, family, etc.? How am I supposed to become the person I wanted to be all those years? I talked to two people at work the other day about going back to school. They convinced me to retake the GREs... I had forgotten that the scores only last five years so, my shit scores are off the record now. I think maybe I'd like to try to be academic for a while. You know... read books, write reports, join chat rooms about Mina Loy and Charles Simic and all of those other poets whose names probably don't even ring a bell nowadays because there are other, more powerful voices out there and those are the ones being picked apart now. I want to be Tuma, and Bauer and Elizabeth and even Marcy. I know I can be happy in that realm and thrive and prosper and be happy with my life. It's just getting there that's going to be exhausting. God this Beam sucks. And I have to go to work in 45 minutes. If work could just stop for two months, I could do it. Get all of my shit together, visit the places I needed to, talk to the people I wanted to, etc. and then, my life could change.
