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2002-04-26 - 1:25 p.m.
I need to come up with 93 dollars before my next paycheck in order to pay all of my bills. I just got paid today and am 93 dollars in the hole. Okay, so I have 26 dollars in overdraft protection so that really only puts me 67 dollars in the hole. And, where will I get that money? I am going to have to resort to sending the parents a nice e-mail.... telling them how sorry I am and how this will never happen again. And, how do I know it will never happen again they will ask? Because I am declaring bankruptcy and the reason I have no money right now is because I've been saving 895 dollars to pay that lawyer to get rid of all of my debt forever. And, then they'll tell me how disappointed they are in me and how awful I am and how I need to be making more money. Why aren't you making more money? You have a college degree. And, i'll tell them how I peruse the want ads all the fucking time and monster.com should be my home page. And, they won't believe me and they'll think I'm a failure. Or perhaps I just think I'm a failure and they won't think any of those things and they'll just write me a check for a hundred dollars (another one) and they'll tell me to pay them when I can. That would be nice. But, this is the second time I've asked them for money since I lost my job in August. The last time I only needed $550 and they gave me $1000. I still owe them $970 because I can't pick my ass up off the ground long enough to pay anyone back. And, it's not even like I'm buying stuff. I'm not. I have no money. I have bought maybe $50 worth of food in the last two months. And, most of that is pasta and pancake mix. What I am spending the most money on is shit to make me smell good and look nice like soap and shampoo and noxema pads. Thank god I don't have to buy tampons because those are like $5 a box and I certainly don't have an extra $5 each month for that bullshit. So, without my period I've already saved about $25 since November. And, then there's my car... I have to put gas in my car to get to work. I need to just buy an air pump so I can ride my bike there. So, I need to ask my parents for money and I don't really know how to do it. Last time, I went home and sat there for 7 hours before I got up the courage to do it. Then, I cried and they gave me more money than I wanted even though I told them not to give it to me. And, they told me the story of how they had to borrow money from my great grandma so they could afford the down payment for their first house. I don't have anything nice like a down payment waiting for my money. All I need to buy is food. Food would be really nice. Like $50 worth of food. Real food. No more tomato and lettuce sandwiches. No more pasta. No more pancakes. It would be nice to have a salad. Or a banana. Or some asparagus. Or even a nice frozen meal that I can !pop! into the microwave. And maybe some orange juice so I don't have to drink water all the time. That's all I want. No snacks, nothing like that. I've never been a big snack fan so that's not a problem. I'm going to need toothpaste, noxema pads and some deoderant in about a week. There's no way I can live without those items. I just want all of this to be over with. I want to get a paycheck and say, "Hmmmm... I think I'll go to the store today. And, I should probably buy some new shoes because the ones I have are so old that my back and legs hurt after standing for only an hour at work and in the long run that's going to mess up my back even more. Oh! And, maybe I'll get a haircut and buy that new CD I want." But, instead I get paid and think, "Okay... so, I'm 93 dollars in the hole and the next paycheck is going to go to: $180 - insurance, $100 - Booie for the phone bill and cable bill, $80 - for the dentist I haven't paid in two months, $150 - for the overdraft protection I have on my checking account that I have to have paid off before all of this bankruptcy stuff goes into action, and $40 - for a haircut that I've needed since February. Let's see... that's a grand total of: $550 which will leave me about $100 for gas, food and any money that I might want to pay my parents. Oh shit - I just remembered: Cinergy - $40. So, I'll have $60 left on that next check. And, then, the next check on May 24th will all go to Fitworks - $40, Car - $270 and rent - $262.50 which leaves me with about $77 for food and gas. And, then it will be June 7th - that paycheck will go towards nothing except trying to pay my parents back, anything we need for the party on the 15th, and any summer clothes that I will desperately need by that time. I have no clothes that fit me. I'm such a fat ass... I can't believe my body is so fucked up that it gained 60 pounds on me and stopped having my period. Fucker. And, it would really be nice to buy some new shoes so I don't have shooting pains going up my back because my shoes are so worn down.
Someday this will all be over. Sometimes it's fun to think of what it might be like to take the rest of those painkillers I have stashed in my dresser drawer... just to see if I die or not. Perhaps it's meant to be. But, I can't give up. I don't want to give up. But, if I just slip and accidentally take the whole two bottles... just to see what would happen. And, if it ended... okay. If not, then I wasn't supposed to die. I'm not suicidal. I just wonder. I guess, though, if I'm supposed to die, God will take care of it. That's what cars and guns and rapists are for. And terrorists. Shit - I need to get some anti-anxiety stuff for that too. The other night it thundered and I thought we were doomed. I jumped and asked Booie, "what was that?". Booie just looked at me and said, "Uh... thunder." Oh. Well, you can never be too careful, can you? With money or terrorists. I've learned my fucking lesson. What a weird entry. Bye.
