And yes, I do take Cymb@lt@
2009-10-23 - 8:57 p.m.
I re-started this thing almost three weeks ago. And, I keep meaning to write in it, but I feel as if I have nothing important to write. I keep waiting for that perfect subject, but it doesn't happen. I know I wanted a safe place to write about work, but even with that, I've nothing to write. I mean, I could write about some of my cute muffins... like the one who came in three weeks ago and was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. She couldn't walk and we were doing neuro checks every hour. If anything, we do neuro checks every four. We were waiting for the tumor to push on her brain stem and cause her to stop breathing. In addition to being in her legs, arms and abdomen, the tumor was wrapped around her spinal cord and really took rook in her C-spine. But, it never happened. She started chemo almost immediately. Three days later, she was walking. She just went home earlier this week - oh, she'll be back for more rounds of chemo, but she was seriously near death three weeks ago. And she just walked outta there on Tuesday. And then, my other muffin, who is 22 - he WILL die. And maybe not very soon. He has a glioblastoma - which basically means brain tumor. And it causes him to have seizures. And a few weeks ago he had one. And was intubated and in the PICU and now, he is down on our floor, but his mom is refusing to believe he will not recover. So, he lays in his bed. We turn him. We change him. We talk to him. He cannot talk back. Sometimes, when I am taking care of him, a tear rolls down his cheek. It breaks my heart. Because his mom can't "give up", he goes to dialysis twice weekly. That will keep him "alive" for a while. I wonder how many more tears I will see.
In other news, my state of mental health is not so great. I mean, Christ, how do other people do it?!? I have a job where I have to go to work three times a week and I can barely make it. I can't stop sleeping on my days off. I do nothing on my days off. And then, when it's time to go to work, I can barely function sometimes - and, I call off. I know I suffer from depression, but it's become entirely too poisonous in the last 8 months. I mean those Cymb@lt@ commercials? That's me. And I don't see a way out. Some days I do - some days, I feel so fine and amazing. And then, it ends. And I wonder. If my life is over. Not literally - not like I'm going to kill myself. But, my "life" - the one where I was happy. I was SO happy in high school and college. And then, I was unhappy. Then, I was happy again in nursing school. The only key ingredient in all of that happiness is school. But, I can't be a student forever. I mean, God, I wish I could. But, I see people going on - having lives, spouses, homes, children, promotions. That doesn't happen to me, it seems. I hope this weight loss crap will help. But, what the fuck does that say for both my self-esteem and our society?! I automatically believe that if I'm smaller, I will obtain a spouse and a home and possibly children. Nice. I think it will seriously make me happier. It may help a little, but if I don't figure out something soon, I will literally lose it. All.
