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A year later

2008-05-02 - 2:05 a.m.

It's just around the corner. All the days of the next week hold some sort of meaning for me. Today (5/2) is when my parent's renewed their wedding vows. Tomorrow is my little bro's birthday - I distinctly remember him standing at the foot of my dad's bed and saying, "Hey dad. It's my birthday." And my dad, while still awake, was not lucid at all and didn't understand. How sad for my brother. At least for my birthday, my dad was great, coherent, ready to fight the cancer and even ate the cupcakes I bought. The 4th is when my dad really went downhill and never came back. It's also the day my mom's heart became completely broken and she was admitted to the hospital, only to be discharged minutes before dad died. She got back to his bedside 30 minutes after he died. She never really got to say goodbye. At least to his face. When she left on the 4th, we just thought she had the flu or something or was just so upset about my dad that she was making herself vomit. Instead, she was sent directly to the ER and never came back. And she told him that she would be back. How sad for her as well.
I sometimes wonder if I am the only one who feels/felt okay about my dad dying. The tuesday before he died (the 8th), I was alone in the room with him. I cried. I told him I loved being his daughter and loved having him for a dad. I told him I used to hate him when I was little because of the way he treated me and my mom sometimes. I told him I was so happy that he was the complete opposite. I told him he had really turned into a great dad and that, I hoped I had turned into a great daughter. Then, after about 10 minutes of conversing with him while he was knocked out, I told him I loved him. He raised his head and said, "I love you, Missey." I couldn't believe it. But, I think he heard it all. And, the only thing he had the strength to respond to, or that he even felt like he HAD to respond to was that.
Now, I am crying and I'm in the middle of my shift at the muffin house so, I gotta go find a bathroom.

before - after

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