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Five more days

2007-12-20 - 12:17 a.m.

In five days, something I have known for 31 years will be different. Gone. I am only 32. My hope is that it will never get here - that I will never see what my emotions can do to me. My hope is that it will freakin' get here quicker than ever, and we'll be done with it. And then, I'll know. Just what happens to my mind when my dad is not around on Christmas. When he isn't around to take pictures like crazy and be the "garbage man" - cleaning up our trashed gift wrap. When he isn't around to make some sort of "souffle" that really just consists of runny eggs and bacon. When he isn't around to pop a copy of the latest "Archie" comic in my stocking to keep me occupied until I can wake him and my mom up (this he used to do until I was about 13 because I was so 'gung ho' on Christmas that I would wake up at least three hours before the "official" 7 a.m. wake up call - he always made sure I had an Archie comic DIGEST to read. A whole big thing. To last the three or so, long hours of waiting until I could wake them.) When he isn't around to sit and glare and do his crossword puzzles while we watch "A Christmas Story" on TBS over and over and over again.
I want to know that I can make it through this.
I haven't counted down the days to Christmas since I was about 10 - and now, it means more than ever.

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