Sometimes, I hate the way my mind thinks...
2007-07-04 - 9:58 p.m.
I fucked up big time over the weekend. I was home with my family. And fucked it all up. And, if you know my past, you probably know what I'm talking about. Almost a year - gone. However, I felt okay about it - 'cause it was only "one". So, I vowed to not touch it again. Now, I am home again and well, I just did it again. So, I figure, fuck it - I am going to "have fun" on my vacation and then, when I come back, I'll start all over again. And then, I'll be a real nurse. A sober nurse. I think I'll be able to stop again. It just feels so good right now. The events of the past five months - I can kinda drown them out. And, I've got a stopping point in mind. Right after I return from the beach - we leave on Saturday, come back the 14th. I promise. I will also go back to EE. Because there is a person there who has been so kind to me - calling me, despite me not having been around since February. Making sure I am okay. Because of her, I know I can go back. Just not right now...
I think that, when I go back, I will do it for real this time. Not just holding on - white knuckling it as they say. I will ask her to help me. I wanted to ask her before - after I got someone else to help me. I felt a better connection with her. I know I can do it again - but, like I said, just not right now. I need this release. Hell - I might even see what all the hoopla about PBR is about (bathy) and immerse myself in that next week. It can't be all bad - people do it all the time, right? Especially on vacations and such - while lounging on the beach with not a care in the world except for where our next dinner excursion will be... and what page of the book one is currently on. Other than that, I have no worries. So, why not do it now? Just to have one last "hurrah", you know? I swear, I will say goodbye to it after I'm done. I promise. I really do. I just need this right now. Oh - how I need this.
