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i still can't believe it....

2007-04-23 - 12:39 a.m.

my dad went INTO Ho$pice on Friday night. we followed him in an ambulance. that was hard to see him in there. he is still there. i fear he will not leave. they say he might be able to if he can go without having to have his tummy suctioned all the time. that's not really happening. everything he eats doesn't get absorbed. they are feeding him intravenously, but they are still letting him eat soft foods, but i just sit and watch it come back out. he does too sometimes. yesterday, he had green tea. when it came back out of his tubing he said, "bye bye, iced tea!". however, now, i see blood coming out. that doesn't make me happy. and not just a little bit. big chunks. bye bye blood. he is very weak and gets short of breath just going to the bathroom to empty his ileostomy bag. he does have a beautiful view from his room and we've gotten him outside both days this weekend. i just think it's happening way too fast. my mom is a mess. somehow, i am not a mess. i think i am just numb. apparently, tomorrow, we're meeting with the social worker. that should open up the floodgates for me. i still can't believe this is happening. when my dad got there friday night, his nurse asked him if he knew anything about Ho$pice. he said, "I know i donate money to you guys." and he does. in fact, i was just looking through his checkbook (weird, i know, but i wanted to see his writing. and see what kind of stuff he was doing before all of this started), and he donated 50 dollars to them on february 3rd. he donated money to the american canc3r soci3ty last fall. i guess you get what you pay for? i don't know. i don't know where that came from. i have so much due this week, but my profs have told me not to worry about it all. i still worry. i don't want to look like a wimpy-ass goofball who can't even get her work done. work that i've known about all semester. they're probably thinking, "why didn't she get this done earlier? she KNEW this was coming! what the fuck is her problem?! i can't believe she's going to be a nurse!"
we might buy a dog tomorrow. by this time tomorrow night, i might have dog spit all over my face. yum.

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