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week one

2007-03-02 - 8:28 a.m.

God. I don't want my dad to die. Yesterday, I think i moved out of the shock stage and, into the "yes, this is really happening" stage. i cried lots yesterday. have already cried today and only got up 28 minutes ago. with no alarm! that's the other thing - i am sleeping okay (thanks to some pharmaceutical interventions), but when i wake up in the morning, it's just time to get up. yesterday, i woke up at 7:45, and GOT OUTTA BED. today, 8:00. i guess this is good - at least i am not trying to lie around and sleep my days away. i don't know. does this even make sense? or matter? i know i am just blubbering, but really, it's gonna have to be okay because, right now, i'm lucky to know that it is friday and that, if i don't want to, i don't HAVE to wash my hair today, because i washed it yesterday morning. if i'm feelin' good about pulling it back, then i can go for it without fear of my head looking like an oil field. so. to be able to remember that i washed my hair yesterday and the day of the week is a good thing. i am even getting good at remembering things like 1) the last time i ate and when it might be a good time to eat again, even if i'm not hungry 2) filling up my gas tank 3) keeping "important" people informed - profs, clinical people and work, and most importantly, 4)i don't think i've worn the same underwear OR other articles of clothing two days in a row. THIS IS GROUNDS FOR APPLAUSE. heck - i MAY even do laundry this evening.
also, i find it amazing that i am so exhausted at the end of the day when all i've done is:
1) get up
2) drink coffee
3) maybe eat
4) maybe walk
5) get dressed
6) drive to the hospital
7) sit in my dad's room, talking with him and my brother and my mom and the nurses and doctors and aides and housekeepers
8) drive back to my area of the world
9) maybe stop by a friend's house to hang out and eat some dinner
10) drive home
11) talk to a few people on the phone
12) maybe veg in front of the teevee
13) hold bil and talk to my roommate

HOW do i feel like i've run a marathon everyday??? that mental exhaustion thing ain't no joke...

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