Michael Anthony Smith can kiss my ass...
2006-06-15 - 7:50 p.m.
Whoa. I can't believe it's been 37 days. It's not like I don't exist anymore. I am just busy and have nothing to write about, really. I guess. I mean, I'm doing okay in school - could be doing better, but will pass. We had a "code" situation yesterday on a dummy guy who breathes and responds to CPR and shocks and drugs. We saved his life. I saved a dummy.
Today is the day that I was raped 10 years ago. I am tired of using it as an excuse to act the way I do towards or around men. I am comfortable with some men, but that is if I know that they are either already married, gay, or are priests or something. It even takes me a long time to become comfortable around them.
I was supposed to pick up a good friend tonight at the airport with her husband. She asked me not to come. It was going to be my "saving grace" for today. I found out this morning that she didn't want me there - "I just need to be with my husband on the ride home." Okay. I am trying not to be hurt by this. I am finding other ways to be okay. I went to Home Depot and bought $102 worth of flowers and other yard stuff and am in the midst of planting it. It's keeping my mind off of a lot of things. While I was there, I kept remembering what I used to think when I worked there. I used to always be "jealous" of the people who could come in and drop $100 on flowers. Now, I am that person and I am not even making an income. Loans are nice. Too bad I will have to repay them someday. But, they are nice to have. It's nice to be able to drop $100 on flowers and make my yard look nice and get some "exercise" out of it and sweat and just think about something else besides myself for once.
I am going to be okay.
