i really truly am a monster
2005-12-19 - 12:58 p.m.
one of my As turned into an A-. but, that's okay because i sincerely was going to be ecstatic with a B. because i did poorly on our final paper - like 84 poorly. and, in grad school, an 84 is not a B. plus, i skipped out on quite a few of her classes. not the whole thing... just the ends of them. it was hard to sit there for 2.5 hours and not know what the hell was going on.
last night was hell. well, lemmee start with friday. friday night was good. saturday was good. hard, but good. i got to hang with my friend, a, all damn day. we were just chillin' all day long. AND, (oh - please don't hate me) for the first time ever, i watched the Sound of Music. okay, so we didn't finish it, but i watched the first 45 minutes and now, we're going to rent it. a loves the movie and was shocked i had never seen it before. yesterday was okay - another day with a and then, we hung with some other friends at night. the evening turned sour though when one of the friends, who didn't show up, started sending messages to a. and, i got angry and it was just all weird b/c, the other friend does this a lot. suicidal messages. always. crying wolf. then, once a was in bed and asleep, the friend sent them to me. the first one said, "congratulations. are you happy? i am." and, i just thought, "What the fuck have i ever done to this person that makes her think i will be happy when she is dead?" so, i called people and we contemplated calling the police and someone talked to the friend and i guess it's all good even though i haven't heard from her today. which is not unusual. this is a pattern. that i cannot handle any longer. i cannot do it. it's almost nightly now. "i'm going to kill myself. take care of my boys." and then, she doesn't answer phone calls and only responds to texts and, eventually you don't hear anything from her so you sit there, in your house at like 2 a.m. wondering if she's blown her head off. then, the next morning, you wake up, send her a text asking if she's okay, get nothing all day long and then, around 11ish or 12ish at night, the cycle starts all over again. never a text from her wondering how you're doing. or what's up with your day. or apology for putting you through that crap the night before. oh God. we are all so sick. so sick. how can i even be angry with her like this. but, i am. i can't keep doing this. it's been going on since March. not so much every day, but at least since march b/c i remember texting her while at work one day and getting yelled at and having to explain that the person i was texting was suicidal. i'm tired of her being suicidal. is it wrong to say that? i am just so tired of going through it every night. and, sometimes, i do just wish she'd do it. if she's really going to. just get it over with. and then, i get texts like, "congrats. are you happy?" which just makes me feel like shit. what a way to play with someone's head/emotions/life.
i cannot stand this anymore.
in other news, today is my first official day of winter break. i have three full weeks off. off. off. off. the only place i have to be is CPR class tomorrow. just for 8 hours. i can handle that. here is a list of things i need to accomplish over winter break:
-empty/move remaining boxes in living room
-clean basement
-clean baseboards
-figure out the dishes crap - which ones to keep, which ones to toss
-file tax amendment for 2003
-do other tax stuff for city taxes
-buy shirts for clinicals
-buy socks for clinicals
-buy shoes for clinicals?
-buy med/surg book
-do med/surg homework
-figure out EMT stuff - do i really have time to renew my certification??!
-clean out closet - get rid of clothes
-clean out car/trunk
-sell books
-sell CDs
-put CDs on computer before selling them
-hang pictures in house
-make bed for real one day - not just the 'tossing the covers kinda' way
-relax
-relax
-relax
That's all. bye.
