getting weird again.
2005-11-29 - 11:00 p.m.
normally, i come home after hanging with my friends a and w and send them an email. about how awesome they are. and how much they've changed my life. and how grateful i am.
tonight, i can't do it. there is too much going on. too much crap. with this girl named cyndi who is prolly going to prison and then a has a doctor's appointment on thursday to have another mammogram and xray and ultrasound and will know right then and there if she has cancer.
and so, i'm running. far far away. i'm drinking again. have been for about a week. also, today, i was in the bookstore (not at my school though - at the damn UC bookstore) and i just saw an xacto knife and thought, "oh. hey. that'd be convenient to have just in case." so i bought an effing xacto knife. in case i need to cut. because i no longer have access to needles. my life feels so out of control what with the a and cyndi shit and just school. next week, i have six things due. however, i need to be happy about that b/c some of my classmates, due to due dates for presentations (we ALL can't present on the same day), have EIGHT projects/exams next week. EIGHT. so, i'm thanking my lucky stars (isn't that supposed to be COUNTING??!) that i only have six.
so, if you pray, pray that i'll be okay trying to stay low and not interfere in anyone's life too much. i felt like i was interfering tonight, going over to a and w's house and eating dinner. and then, cyndi tried to call ann and i just thought, "What the hell am I doing here? these people don't need me here? i am just a hinderance and i cannot help them." this, after trying, trying, trying to help a with dinner and just anything. and i got nothing. i swear, i am so co-dependent it's going to kill me. and cyndi, she never calls or texts even after sincere attempts to get ahold of her. and then, hours later (or days), i'll get texts about how she is going to die. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT!??!!?
oh God help me. i have no clue how to be human.
