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it breaks my fucking heart.

2005-11-24 - 9:28 a.m.

it doesn't feel like thanksgiving. i swear it doesn't. even though it's cold and snowy and cold and today, i'm going home for turkey and grandmas and cousins and aunts and uncle, it just isn't the same.
i think it's school - looming over my head. i studied all day yesterday. will study some today and every day for the remainder of the weekend. yuck.
and then, there's my friend a. who had a mammogram last friday and they found something. so, next thursday, she returns for more tests. and that just scares the bejeebus out of me. and i think of all of my past lovelies at my job - how last year, G's birthday was ON thanksgiving. and the smile she tried to give me as i helped her husband get her in their car this past april will never leave my mind. that was the last time i saw her. she had no idea she was on her way to hospice and would die three days later. i had no idea either. all i know is she tried so very hard to just smile for me. and it came out all wrong b/c, by that time, the cancer had taken over so many of her body functions it wasn't even funny.
i can't stand cancer.

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