God, I miss the goonies.
2005-07-18 - 10:43 a.m.
Oh, I swear I"m still alive. Currently, we're packing to move yet again. Do we have a place yet? No. When are we moving? In 12 days. There could be a house. Offers have been accepted and earnest money sent and the people have already moved out. There's just that tiny bit about Booie being able to get approved for a loan. They say that booie's got a loan. Secured. But, they're just looking at a few more options to ensure that booie gets the best interest rate available. In the meantime, I've got an apartment in mind right down the street. I'll move there alone if this whole house thing falls through. Which it might, I fear. However, if the house thing does come through, it'll be great. I get the whole 2nd floor to myself. All mine. Alone. And there's a finished basement and a huge-ass yard that I've been put in charge of and just lots and lots of potential and the security of knowing I will live there throughout my nursing clinicals and Booie will give me a break on my "rent" during that time.
I'm also about hmmm... i think 50-something days sober. And, it's kicking my ass lately. At first, it was all good. Now, I just wanna drink and give it all up because it seems so unfathomable to stay this way for the rest of my life. But, i know it gets easier. Really. And, since being sober, I've started eating better as well and getting out 4-5 times/week to walk. As a result, I've lost about 15 pounds now. ME. Lost weight. Can you believe it?!?! Usually it's: ME. Gained weight. Unexplainedly. But, I've lost weight. Explainedly. And, I like it and I see people I haven't seen in ages and, while they sit around and get sloshed and watch me drink fuze or propel, they comment about how great I look. So, I've got to keep this up.
I'm fucked up in other ways still. With friends. And not feeling adequate. Or wanted. Or needed. Booie says I have a hard time sharing people. Booie would know - I had a hell of a time sharing Booie when we were together. Hella... I mean, I was an ass at times. I think about what causes that and I know. And, while it seems corny and cliche to go back to my childhood about it all, that is seriously where it all comes from. You see, my little bro was born 7 years after me. SEVEN years. So, for 7 years, I was the best. I had my parents' full attention. My dad loved hanging out with me and i don't think I annoyed my mom too much yet. Then, Vomit came along. And, my dad liked him even more and, as I grew into my early teens, began to despise me. Also around this time, my mom started working 2nd shift. No more mom when I needed her. And, so i felt as if I had no one. And my brother had everything I used to have. And I retreated and let it all fester in my brain and get fucked up and now, I can't stand when there's the threat of someone I know and care about and love hanging out with going off and hanging with someone else. I mean, what if they like that person more, you know? HOW FUCKED UP AM I? I am sick. Speaking of being sick, I took a mental health day today. Oh yeah, I've been fighting a serious sinus infection and I've not been really all that hungry lately and have I doodied on a regular schedule for the past month??? No. 10 days with no boo is okay, right? So, I'm off today. Am going to go to my woods and rent a rowboat. And chill. And try to get my mind together.
so, that's my life right now. Perhaps I'll update again soon. Like when I find out where I'm moving and how all of that shiznit is going to work out. A BIG part of me wants this house shit to fall through. The only thing I'd truly miss is Bill and having yard space.
Gotta get to the woods.
