I am numb. I suck.
2005-05-11 - 8:29 p.m.
I swear, I am not dead. For real. This is the living Koko typing. The two times I've tried to update recently, I couldn't get in because I'm not Gold anymore. (yes, that means you can start reading again and I'll NEVER know it - until I go Gold again.)
Life is okay. Not really all that great, but okay. Like I said, I"m not dead. I'm doing well in anatomy this quarter. 90 and 88 on the first and second lecture exams and a 93 on the second lab exam. I forget what i got on the first lab exam, but it was good. an 80-something. So, I'm the running for a definite B and possibly an A. Rad. My other class is boring as hell. I haven't been in 2 weeks. I'll still get an A.
I've been somewhat depressed lately. Figuring out just how whacked and broken I am and just how whacked and broken we, as a human race, are. And just how much we need God's mercy. And how much we don't feel as if we deserve it. And how whacked and broken that makes us. I've been drinking like crazy lately and have (luckily or unluckily) been able to swipe a few vidodins here and there from my mother's stash at home. That kind of stuff keeps me sane and I know it's bad and I've tried to stop and I can't. And, I've gone to AA and I can't do it. And, I've tried the God thing and I can't do it. And I just don't know where to go anymore. Because i am just numbing myself. And everything around me that could benefit from my un-numb body/mind - they don't get anything from me either. I am numb to everything. I am numb to myself.
