I'm so tired of all of the pain.
2004-09-12 - 4:01 p.m.
I feel really blah-da-dee-blah today. I went to pick up some things I needed: light bulbs, school supplies, other crap. And, while I was shopping (especially for the food), I found myself just putting stuff in my cart. Not because I really needed it, but because I couldn't decide what to get. Now, I didn't just go and blow a whole bunch of money or anything, but I wanted to get some sort of meat in the house besides chicken. So, I looked at the salmon and the burgers and the steak and the turkey products and then, before I knew it, I was in the produce section where I picked up a bag of red potatoes and a bag of salad and two apples and some carrots. Then, I left. No meat. I just can't decide on meat stuff and I'm so used to not having it in my diet that it really doesn't matter to me. But, I know Booie likes it and I want to make sure that Booie is getting healthy meals anyway, so I tried. But, instead we have salad, carrots, apples and potatoes.
I think I've been feeling a bit down lately. Okay, I know it. My home page is a "my yahoo" page with news headlines on it. So, every time I open my browser, I get to see headlines about how many people died that day. Or how many are going to die because of a)nuclear weapons b)hurricanes c)gluttony d)terrorists or e)G.W. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of how we've become. I'm sick of feeling like there is nothing I can do about it. I'm sick of being depressed about it. But, I don't know how to get out of it. School helps me tremendously. Because, with school, it's just me, school, work and me. And, I don't know if that sounds selfish or not, but when I'm engrossed in all of that learning, there is no time to scour the internet and learn about all of the crap that we do to ourselves and to each other. There's no time to see how mean we can truly be... so I believe that we're all okay. And, we'll make it. But, it's so not true anymore.
I've been trying to think of ways to get out of this funk. I've been exercising again. That helps. And, I've been letting myself do the things I need to do. And, i've been talking to people. And, I now have three journals (to write in) in addition to this one. One is for work, one is for me, and one is for general crap that I want to remember. But, I think I need more. Like people more. I need to find someone to connect with... even if it's someone I pay to listen to me talk. And, I'm thinking of not going to a "traditional" therapist - I've actually been looking into massage therapy. I think it would be good if I tried it. Because I know there's a lot of crap built up in my muscles. A lot. Anytime anyone touches my back muscles, they tell me how tense I am. And I can feel it now every day. When I wake up, I'm not rested. My neck is sore. My back always hurts. I always hurt. You always hurt. We always hurt. I'm sick of it. So, I'm hoping to try this - I think I can afford to go once a month. Hell, maybe even my insurance covers it, who knows?
I hate it when I'm like this. I don't want to do a damn thing.
