Therapy
2003-09-18 - 6:25 p.m.
It was an Adagio for Strings day.
I made a list at work. Of all the things I would talk about should I ever have the opportunity to find a therapist again who will listen and encourage me and not talk about his or her personal life. Oh yeah. And, one who knows what Take Back the Night is. This is my list. It's very personal. But, so is this diary. So, it must go in here:
-My anger issues (particularly about the rape)
-The fact that I am defensive towards anyone I don't know - I NEVER give anyone a chance to show me that they're nice or that they're not going to hurt me. I just lash out at them right away and don't let them see who I really am. It's easier to be a bitch.
-The fact that I don't know how or when to show affection towards any of my friends or aquaintances. It's hard for me. I've hugged my mom three times in my life and I don't know about my dad. Never with Vomit. So, I don't even know how to be affectionate. Or how to receive affection. Sometimes, I think I am getting better at it - I like to reach out and tap people on the arms or nudge them sometimes. But, that's as far as I can go right now.
-My ongoing depression. Sure, some days are good. Some weeks are good. Some months are good. But, it always lingers. My job situation is part of it. 9/11 is another part. And, all of the pain in my joints. And, Booie. And, now there is my grandma, too.
-Sex is hard for me too. It's hard for me to enjoy it. And, it seems that it's only when I want it that it's kind of okay. If someone else wants it from me, then I feel violated.
I don't know if I'll ever find a decent therapist. Or, get up the courage to look for one. Or, if any of these issues even warrant therapy. Maybe I'm just hoping someone will save me.
