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Lot's of pain... don't understand.

2003-06-05 - 11:58 p.m.

Something is wrong. Yeah, my body gets fucked up from time to time and I always tend to blame it on guard or running or what have you... but, this time it's different.

Yesterday, after work, I came home, made dinner and sat down to eat. I sat for about an hour. When I got up, my right knee wouldn't work right, was swollen and full of pain. My left toes, right where they join the foot, completely painful and hard to move. My right hand was bothering me a lot yesterday too, but I thought nothing of it.

Today, both of my hands are in extreme pain... they've been so painful all day that it doesn't even matter that I'm typing right now. I'm just used to the pain. I've been popping Advil left and right, to no avail. I can't make fists. I can't make my right hand go flat on a surface. It hurts to use a fork. Fuck picking up a plate. I couldn't zip a zipper earlier tonight. Both of my knees are killing me. My back is sore and my left toes still hurt. What is wrong with me? Seriously. Is there a doctor out there? Could I have arthritis? Why the hands and the knees? I've had this shit happen before (the knees have been bothering me a lot lately, but not both at once) but not all onslaughtish like this. It's just like BAM! Fuck you, Koko. No more hands or knees for you. I don't understand. And, I'm frightened I won't be able to work tomorrow. My hands get stiffer the less I use them so, I'm afraid of what sleep will bring. I can't call off AGAIN this week. I can't afford to.

I guess I just have to be a trooper and fuck the pain and just do it. I wish I could take enough Advil to make it stop. Somehow, I think going past six tablets at once is pushing it. Perhaps not? Again... where's a doctor when you need one. Or a nurse. I'd call my mom, but she'd just tell me to go to the doctor. Crap. I don't want to be like this at my age. I don't want to be like this at any age, but crap... 28? Come on, God... isn't there someone else you can pick on and laugh at?

Letter to mailman:

Dear Mailman,

So far, you are doing okay with this whole delivery thing. One out of the three parcels I requested is fine... you've got one more day to bring the others to my box. Bring it... or you'll be stuck with 1/3 of a child.

Love always and forever,

Apt. 2

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